Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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