I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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