I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
