I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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