Me. At least after what I've been through.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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