Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
