I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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