I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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