I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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