you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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