2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
