i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
