no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My bed smells like the plague
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