i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
