Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
