Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
