You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
