If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
