I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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