Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
