Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
