It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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