Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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