speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
