She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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