Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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