just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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