Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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