Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
