Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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