I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
