I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
