First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
