She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
