I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We left the knife in your bed.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
