I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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