the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
