i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
