How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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