I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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