I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
