You made me cry and you don't even care
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
