I wish I could teleport
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
