Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
