I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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