I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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