I'm eating all of the evidence.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
