I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
