God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
