i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
